Mama Said There’d Be Days Like This

Today is overcast but at least not raining. It’s one of those days for introspection. You take a good long look at your life, yourself and where you are going. It’s just you alone with your thoughts. When I’m alone with my thoughts, sometimes I like it and sometimes my mind is in such a panicky state that it’s too much for me too bear, like I might spontaneously combust. I think it’s worst right before bed, when it’s time for the subconscious mind to shut off and it’s just me, my mind and everything that’s ever happened to me.  I worry about my children making it in the world and just worry about them in general. Thoughts are endless……..Did “so and so” delete me from their fb? Maybe I should call mom and dad since they are getting on in years and they won’t be around forever. What if I would have married at 18? I can’t believe my ex has passed away. “Please, don’t show yourself to me Max. I may faint.” The New World Order is coming about. Life as we know it will change. I’m almost 40 and already lived most of my life. The vultures will be circling soon. I can’t imagine living forever……The possiblity of living for eternity always scare the sh**t out of me. I can’t even fathom it. It’s brought on many a panic attack. It’s best for me to exhaust myself during the day so that I can just pass out at bedtime but even then I don’t fall asleep right away. I have that drive to keep going and never stop, never ever. I think it depends on how much caffeine I’ve had too. I am very sensitive to it. One Diet coke and I’m up for days. Combine that with dark chocolate and I could conquer the world. And I just hate it when I’m fired up and the world is asleep – no where to go, nothing to do. Today there is too much to do and I am not fired up but I chalk it up to parenthood. Man oh man. It’s never easy raising kids, even more so a teenager. Mine is particularly difficult at this time. If you are reading this please pray us. We need all the ones we can get. Thank you <3