It’s been so long since I wrote my blog. Since the last post we’ve gotten a new pope and had St. Patrick’s Day. Seeing how my pope prediction was wrong and he is nowhere near a Peter or even from the same continent as Rome, I really need to up my game a bit. To be fair, I didn’t actually see the visions myself. I was just reporting on someone elses. My past few weeks have consisted of gastritis and severe back pain so being wrong and making a fool of myself has really been the least of my worries. Not being able to walk has affected my workouts putting me in a very bad mood and making me feel anxious. While anxious, I always resort to my irrational fears, you know, the worst scenario that can be played out ever. They never happen though – never. The weeds in my mind conspire to make me miserable with stupid, petty thoughts that cause me a lot of suffering.
There is finally a name for my worst fear. I have apeirophobia which is an abnormal fear of infinity. The thought of not existing scares me and the thought of living forever really scares the crap out of me. I certainly don’t want to burn in hell for eternity with Hitler and Madonna. So what is one to do? This thought has raced through my mind since I was about 13 which led to my very 1st anxiety attack. That actually feels like a eternity ago. When I can’t find anything else to worry about this thought always crops up in my mind. I probably should speak to a therapist about it. When I was a child I just accepted that we would live in Heaven forever and ever and it didn’t seem to bother me. Now when I hear any words relating to infinity and beyond I get panicky. Could it simply be an imbalance in my brain? Certainly I have enough of an imbalance to cause severe panic out of the blue so I wouldn’t rule it out.
I think to myself that if God thought it was a good idea than it must be. If the Creator thought it was perfect then it was and is and will be forever. One thing does excite me and that is meeting all the people than have gone on before me. People like Queen Elizabeth I and the Golden Girls. The list goes on and on but won’t I get tired of them after half an eternity? After I get tired of doing everything I have ever wanted to do I am afraid I will be bored and that in itself causes anxiety. When I am bored I am totally filled with angst. Certainly in heavenly perfection there won’t be boredom or angst and what I have is just an earthly malady.
What I’m really looking for and the reason I wrote this blog is for people to tell me it is indeed just an irrational fear and there is nothing whatsoever to be afraid of. I will just leave it in the hands of The Almighty. He has a cure for everything. In the meantime, please drop me a line 
The doctor at LSU wrote on his report that I have an anxiety problem. And I thought, well no shit Sherlock, I’m afraid you’re going to tell me something is wrong with me. My shaky hands, fidgitiness, and speaking waaay too fast and too much, were probably dead givaways. But the truth is, I have an irrational fear of hospitals, needles, dentists, etc; in addition, things under the water or in the ocean that don’t belong there, like ships (and The Blob), give me the heebie jeebies. My biggest fear is the fear of rejection-it makes me do and say stupid things. You hit it on the head when you said, “The weeds in my mind conspire to make me miserable with stupid petty thoughts that cause me a lot of suffering.” So true. My point is: everybody fears something. I try to confront my darkest fears by bringing them into the light. It helps to get it out and talk about it. It’s hard for me to imagine being afraid of infinity since I really don’t look that far ahead, my life has always been about surviving the moment. So, I looked up Apeirophobia and found some interesting treatments you might want to try (me too):
http://common-phobias.com/apeiro/treatment.htm
Thanks for the link. I’m terrified of infinity because there is no escaping it no matter what I do. At least your fear is limited to this earthly plane. I had no idea you were afraid of ships or even anxious at all. Btw everyone is afraid of rejection. I am so used to it now that it doesn’t bother me as much anymore.
You can’t tell it because I hide it well. But, my hands show it, so I stick them in my pockets or keep them busy when I’m feeling anxious. Believe it or not, being with a group of people makes me very anxious. I don’t like being the center of attention. I’m really introverted by nature and force myself to face my fears and not to clam up. I’ll start talking about anything and everything, redirecting the attention and energy back to the people I’m talking to. Most people love to talk about themselves, so this works for me. So, now ya know. Guess I never thought of it as an anxiety problem, thought I was just shy. The hypnotherapy sounds interesting, would like to try it.
I really had no idea Cindy. I myself have always loved parties and being around lots of people so it was very upsetting when I no longer enjoyed them due to extreme anxiety. It got to be when I was in a group of people I would get dizzy and my vision would get distorted. My life became unbearable but over the years I’ve managed to overcome it.
I’m glad you found a way to overcome your anxieties problems. Do you take pills for your anxiety? Drinking always helped to calm me when I felt anxious at parties. But, it’s not like I could always have a shot of courage in every situation, say like at work. One time at Plastech, we were having a meeting with the owners representatives who were asking us to take a pay cut or they would have to lay off a bunch of people. People had a lot of fears and questions but nobody was saying much of anything. I got thrown out there by Tee to ask what was on everybodys minds. I like to have died. All eyes on me. Somehow I got through it, my mouth kept a running, and I asked all the things and said what everybody else was too afraid to say. I swear, I totally disassociated from my body, thought I was going to pass out. My eyes focused on the person I was talking to across the room and blotted out everybody else. A tremor started moving through my body and I couldn’t even move or my body would have started shaking. I can feel it now just talking about it. Funny thing is, everybody thought I handled it superbly and couldn’t tell anything was wrong with me. I just do it anyways.
Yes but I only take them when I am very tense.
Hey. I am Catholic but I share this same fear since i was about 8. Seeing my psychologist about it tomorrow. It’s scary because heaven is the source of our faith, yet the cause of our phobia.