Today a friend of mine suggested I get a Vajazzle as a way to spice up my rather unexciting, weary existence. This is also the same person who thought I needed a Le Whif, which is an inhaler that makes you smell chocolate instead of actually eating it. Let the good times roll, I say. Come to think of it, this is also the friend who used to drag me to drag shows, the longest, most torturous things a person could endure. It looks like somewhere along the way I have mixed in with the wrong crowd and my life has gotten off course but that’s beside the point.
In my stressful life, I do not have time in my life right now to worry vajazzing up anything, especially something that no one, and I mean no one sees anymore. Somehow I’ve managed to go from Blanche Devereaux to Dorothy Zbornak in a short period of time. If romance ever beckons again, I could always choose the feather variety and have a plum-like fan sprouting out of my pants on my way to the grocery store. I think I’ll just go with the diamond studs after I get my landing strip waxed. But, then again, I don’t want to entice my partner to the point of uncontrollable excitement. I do have that effect on men *note sarcasm* *note multiple sarcasms* I am done having babies. No more for me, Thank you. My body doesn’t take to well to pregnancy. No Vajazzle. My friend does have a point about the inhaler though. I need calorie-free food. However, I will wait until they expand their line to pizza or tacos. I could pass out inhalers to my family at supper. The problem of what to have for supper will be forever solved. Sniffing food ought to go down real well with people who devour pounds of potatoes in the blink of an eye. I don’t see some little old inhaler fixing that anytime soon.
If only all it took to make things right were a few sparkles on the nether regions to make our lives bearable, we’d all be doing it. Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. I have a heavy heart these days and the best thing for it is to pray, pray hard. It obviously worked for my parents. There’s also relaxing to some nice, 80′s music. That seems to soften the blows life sometimes delivers. It soothes my soul. It’s like a band-aid for my heart. The soul just knows what it needs.
Sounds like a bunch of Poppycock to me! You still got it girl! Fo jizzle ma nizzle!!!
No vagazzle? LMVO!!!!
That’s a new on Cindy