I Get Cabin Fever

Since time has been so short lately, the JonBenet post I originally had planned will have to wait a day or so. I want to devote this post to that feeling you get when you are in an enclosed space for an extended period of time with nothing but your thoughts, which can be disasterous. You can either call it Stir Crazy or Cabin Fever. I usually go with Stir Crazy. Cabin Fever sounds a little more sinister to me for some reason. Thoughts of Abe Lincoln going berserk in a log cabin come to mind. I don’t know why.

Tomorrow starts the 1st day of everyone getting back to school and work. I, for one, am so glad, ecstatic really. As much as I like spending time with loved ones, I will go crazy if I have to spend one more day cooped up in this house with the same people and no routine. It’s the phobic side of me coming out. I get really panicky where there is no routine of any sort. Somehow I feel more comfortable knowing there is a set schedule of work and school. This may sound strange coming from someone who was always a free spirit, someone not cut out for the 9 to 5 world. Something in my mind just won’t let me be.

As an extremely anxious person, it doesn’t take much to make me feel bad and being in a contained space for a certain amount of time certainly does it. Being isolated for a certain amount of time tends to play with my mind. I don’t understand it. When I was younger, it didn’t bother me in the least. Now that I am almost 40, angst seems to rule my life. When did I go from such a carefree person to a fearful one? I really hate it. I haven’t worked outside the home in 3 years and I think that is a definite factor in my unhappiness. I notice when I had a job to go to everyday and be around other people on a daily basis, I felt so much better. The fear was pretty much gone. I would never make it as a housewife, at least not for long.

I remember reading an article on Kyra Sedgwick, not that I’ve ever been crazy about her. I always thought she came off as cold and unlikeable. She said she and her husband Kevin Bacon moved to an isolated farm or something and it really played with her mental health. She said she needed the pulse of the city. I’ve never felt connected with her at all but after reading this I totally understood and I felt I wasn’t totally crazy.

I want to enjoy life, not be in constant worry all the time. It’s something I can’t control. I do take medication. The pills I take for my ever-present fear make me very sleepy. If I take it during working hours, it’s counterproductive. Why can’t they just go in there and mess with my brain like they did to Alex DeLarge and fix the way my brain is wired. I’m up for anything, really I am, except a lobotomy. I don’t want to spend the rest of my year as a vegetable.

On a slightly different note, I hate the awful thoughts that creep into my mind when I am trying to go to nod off at night making it impossible for me to sleep. That’s probably why I hate ‘lights out’ so much. When my mind is in the process of shutting down, the worst thoughts invade my mind, things that never happen or can’t happen. I would rather have Freddie Krueger chasing me down the hallway. At least I would be able to see what I am fighting against. Sometimes I wonder if someone cursed me because that’s what it feel like. With that being said, I will wrap this up. May you have an angst-free day