From Hell

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year and the season to be jolly. At least that’s what they say and the way it’s supposed to be but sometimes, just sometimes, it doesn’t turn out that way. Normally I relish the Christmas season but there are exceptions to every rule. Some are just worse than others. One year was particularly bad. 1997 took the cake. It was the worst year ever. It was okay until after Mardi Gras, ending in the culmination of a nightmare Christmas. I still feel bitter when I see the numbers 9 and 7 too close together. My, how things can change in a single year. Christmas ’96 was wonderful. So much fun was had, not to mention, I was petite and lookin’ good. That always sweetens the pot, doesn’t it? It amazes me how fast things can descend into madness.

In January I had a falling out with my roommates and ended up living back in the dorms, horror. On a good note, I did end up with a sweetheart of a roommate that semester. I also met my good friend Tommy that February. Okay, so there is something good even in the worst year but back to the bad. I couldn’t find a single person to date all semester. That may not sound bad but it’s pretty traumatic to a girl in her 20′s. No one seemed interested. It was awful. I was scheduled to graduate in May but it did not happen so I had to scrap my plans of moving to New Orleans with my friend Woody which changed the course of my life. Sadly, I said good bye to one friend who left for New York and another that left for Arkansas. I was still stuck in Natchitoches. Oh, the horror. It was a depressing, math-filled summer and I was waiting tables at the worst restaurant in town – worst Mexican food ever. At least that’s what the redheaded troll of a guy I was seeing said. It was the only place I could find a job in that little town. Unfortunatley, at the tail-end of summer, Princess Diana was killed in a car crash, real horror. The world still hasn’t recovered.

Fall brought more problems. My brothers 300lb wife kept calling my mom complaining about my brother and saying she needed a gun while my sister was on the other line saying she was pregnant by her beast of a boyfriend. He was a user and an abuser – repulsive inside and out. He was disgusting but she was totally devoted. All I’m saying is that someone should have hit him with a brick a long time ago. My family was in shambles but I had my own problems and more to come.

One night I was smoking pot with some friends which I was doing more and more. The last time, it was laced with something. I have no idea what but I ended up out of my head in the emergency room. It was not pretty. I am hesitant to add anything because it was so traumatic so I will leave it at that. I was already prone to panic attacks but from that point on, they became constant. It was sheer terror every minute of every day. I was afraid to leave the house. I would get very disoriented when I did. Then it got to where I didn’t want to get out of bed at all. My space seemed to get smaller and smaller.

Finally, before Christmas, my parents,very, very worried, admitted me to the hospital where they ran every sort of test imaginable but they couldn’t find anything. The doctors finally told me I had Panic Disorder that they made no attempt to treat, another story altogether. I was a walking nervous wreck and barely functioning. They call it Panic Disorder but I call it a nervous breakdown. I would not wish that on anyone. I tried to put up a brave front but it was hard.

On Christmas Eve my car got stuck in the mud and I sat at home by myself, at the mercy of a friend with a car. Luckily someone took me to Midnight Mass. I’ve never felt so terrible sitting in church. My nerves were all shattered and I felt like  was going to pass out. Somehow I made it home Christmas Day. The panic attacks were still going strong. I felt lightheaded and out of it most of the time. That Christmas there was much to-do about my brother’s disaster of a marriage threatening to erupt and my sister’s pregnancy adding to my parents’ angst, no doubt. The last thing they needed was a mentally ill daughter to cope with. I tried to tone down the severity of the situation but it was hard. Finally, the year mercifully ended and the pieces fell where they landed. Luckily, I was able to pull myself back together after a few years. It did take a few years to get my bearings together. It didn’t happen overnight but it did happen.