If I told you I didn’t like weekends you would probably think I had a serious problem and indeed I do. It’s not really serious, it just feels that way. It’s just part of my panic disorder which I have lived with most of my life. It’s been a thorn in my side since I was a teenager. Though no one has ever died from it, you feel like you might. Panic Disorder can be terribly uncomfortable at times. On days like today I have that constant uneasy feeling I get when there is nothing on the schedule – blank space I call it. I just think of it as a blank, white space. I prefer to have a set schedule like school and work. It makes me feel more comfortable. I’m not sure why it is, it just is.
I do love Fridays because everyone is laid back and in a good mood. It just has a good vibe to it. I especially enjoy Friday nights because I get to spend it doing whatever it is I want to do but the rest of the weekend is downhill from there. Saturday and Sunday afternoons really put me on edge. Afternoons make me anxious any day of the week, it’s just compounded on the weekend. If I could just eliminate mornings and afternoons that would be great, no need to eat breakfast or lunch ever again. I could always move to Norway where it’s dark for 6 months. I’m curious to know what effect that would have on me. Maybe I should start going to both services at the Catholic church. That would fill up almost all of Sunday, then by the time I get home, it’s time to get the kids ready for school. Sounds like a plan. Not a very good one, but still a plan.
It’s Sunday afternoon as I write this and I am waiting for the day to progress. The closer I get to evening, the better I feel. I spoke to my therapist about this years ago and he said that it’s probably because I am happy to have made it through the day. While this may have some truth to it but this is the same doctor who prescribed me medicine to sleep morning, noon and night. I may not be a doctor but that doesn’t seem like a solution to me. After sleeping nonstop, my friends got worried and came over because I wasn’t answering the phone. Needless to say, I downed my dosages.
I think the problem is that my body is wired in such a way that I am not programmed for the early part of the day. I am totally nocturnal. Another thing is that I don’t know my genetic background which is a total mystery. Since I am adopted, I always felt a little awkward with the feeling that I came from nowhere. Though I know this can’t be true, that’s always how I felt. I think this deep seated issue might actually play a role in my Panic Disorder as well. I never really thought I had a problem with being adopted but there may be something subconscious going on. Whatever the case, will just have to play the cards I am dealt. We all do.
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