You know those days where you feel so beaten down with no hopes of getting back up? I do. It’s not the best feeling. The weight of the world can really crush one’s spirit can’t it? I am so weary and drained these days. I have a strange tiredness that I can’t seem to shake. Can the soul even get tired? I think mine is. Sometimes it’s just too much to get off the couch. Hopefully, there are better days ahead. That is, if we live past the Mayan Doomsday and aren’t all thrown into oblivion.
A friend of mine has made it a point to tell me I am negative today, just because I told him I didn’t need any of Florence Welch’s magic dust. I have my own magic, thank you, I don’t need hers. On the other hand, my powers are weak these days. Okay, Flo, bring the magic dust and bag of rejuvenation over here. She can also give me something for this postnasal drip while she’s at it. That last one would make me happiest of all and a fan for life. My friend will be happy to know that I do think she has actual talent as opposed to gimmicks to sell records. Give credit where credit is due. After this glowing review, let’s get back to my direness.
I think my Panic Disorder is gearin’ up again. What an awful feeling. It’s just a feeling of gloom and dread that just hangs there. Sometimes it’s right up on me and I think I can give it a piggyback ride. My mind is clouded with crazy thoughts and I really feel like I’m losing it. Sometimes my mind is devoid of all thought, worse than that of Rose Nylund. Once I saw an interview with Kim Basinger where she talks about walking into a store and her mind going blank. She fled in terror to the safety of her car. I totally understand. I have experienced this many times, mostly in restaurants. Only Kim Basinger knows what I have to endure *sigh* You know your quality of life is not good when you can’t enjoy going out to eat and having a nice conversation. It’s totally robbed of you. This is where my problems almost always occurs for some reason. When I was at the height of my problem, I remember thing I was going to have a heart attack if I ate the food. I was in my 20′s and this was totally unfounded. How many 20 somethings have heart attacks? There have also been times in the past where I feel like I would not be able to stand upright and I might fall over any minute. at my worst, I was in such a pitiful state. I am stronger now but still, once it gets on top of you, it has the upper hand and it’s so hard to throw off.
There are many times I have thought I would or should be institutionalized, a worst fear of anyone in a psychiatrist’s waiting room, especially when you are sitting with people that have noticeable problems, much more serious than yours. You feel just as crazy. I remember having a fear that the doctor would talk to me for a few minutes then call for backup, a straight jacket and notify my family I would not be home for a long time. Fortunately, my best friend’s sister is a psychiatrist and I have confided in her as a friend. She and other doctors have told me that if I were indeed crazy they would have know within a short time of talking to me. No ‘Insane’ stamp for me yet..
I always wanted to know what I did in life that I deserved to have it in the first place. Was I in cahoots with Hitler in a past life? Sometimes I’ve even wondered if someone put a curse on me. Don’t laugh, it happens all throughout the Bible. I have a feeling, though, it’s just a faulty gene. If so, It’s such a cruel spin of the genetic wheel. It doesn’t help that I have no knowledge of my background. That is definitely a downside of being adopted. I think it’s a piece of the puzzle in a few ways but I won’t get into it here.
One thing does make me feel better and that’s sharing my story with others that have this debilitating mental ailment. It’s very empowering to openly discuss these thing. t really takes a load off. If anyone wants to share with me, please feel free to leave a comment. As Frasier would say, Good Mental Health.
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