At this time I am very tired, not to mention I took my nerve pill which will only exacerbate the situation so I will make this short. How did I become such an anxious person? I have a very delicate system and it can only take so much. If I have any dark chocolate I feel like I am on speed and no coffee for me, thanks. Diet Coke has the strangest effect on me too. If I have a can of it I will be buzzing around for days like Apu on a 72 hour shift at the Kwik-E-Mart. I have never been able to pinpoint the culprit. Unlike most people, I have to be very careful what I consume. My body definitely cannot take diet pills, which is a shame because I am always in need of help dietwise. Seems like forces conspire to keep me looking like a potatoe. I had a terrible reaction back in 2006. It’s like I had a complete meltdown. Not an Anne Heche (I am Celestia) breakdown where I assumed a totally different identity and reality. I went on a crying spree. Everything was so sad that I could not bear it. If I wasn’t so afraid to die I probably would have ended myself – not sure how. My mind was a total mess with delusional thoughts racing through it. I eventually wound up at the pyschiatrists office(should been the ER) were I sought help and gradually got better. I have learned my lesson there – No Diet Pills.
I have tried to find the root of the problem. Is it genetic? Where did these problems come from? Was I traumatized as a child? Was it the countless White Crosses I consumed in my early 20s to keep myself dancing until the wee hours? Being adopted, it makes me think that maybe my birth parents were institutionalized and I was cursed with their crazy DNA. Maybe I was the Bad Seed. It’s really unnerving when the doctor agrees with the theory that you thought was just your over imagination.
I have been to several doctors about my depression and anxiety. One even made me promise I wasn’t going to kill myself and I assured him I had no intention of doing so – that I had children to take care of. Even if Iwere to blow my head off in his office what is he really gonna do to me? Kick my ass on the other side?
As my 40th year looms on the horizen, I have learned not to internalize my fears and to use that excess energy to my advantage. A good workout sometimes nips it right in the bud. Right now the pill seems to fit the bill since I’m not likely to do any workout at 2 am. I only take it when I am really stressed, which I am. Sometimes it’s my only choice when dealing with an my son the angry youth, a terrible 2 and a ravenous cat. Without them there would be less to worry about but without them there would be less in my life. At the end of the day I am so thankful to have them in my life 
I believe it all comes down to abnormal levels (or lack of) dopermine in our brains. Exercise makes you feel better because it increases levels of dopermine. Certain foods such as bananas, avocados, almonds, and dairy products (Ice Cream!) also increase dopermine production. Btw, you’re not the only one who has had thoughts of offing themselves, but I am so glad you never acted on them or I wouldn’t be getting to know you and talking to you right now….and I sure would hate to have to come over there and “kick your ass on the other side”.
Thank Ya Cinday. That diet pill made me suicidal. That is so scary. I knew in my heart I shouldn’t have taken it, like someone that knows they are allergic to something and not to eat it.
I kinda like that…has a certain ring to it…just call me CINDAY! ;D
I guess my poofreadings skill were not up to par yesterday